Scars
by pingo1387
Summary: I just can't take it anymore. One-shot, takes place during WWII, second part in present-day.


I sat on the closed toilet cover with my head in my hands as water rushed from the faucet into the bathtub. A knife laid on the edge of the tub, a very sharp knife, the sharpest one I could find. Italy and Japan were in the kitchen, making _onigiri_ for a mid-day snack. Those two were so concerned about food…

The sound of the water changed. I looked up. The water level was high enough now, just less than half a meter. I got up and shut it off, letting the last few drops splash in. Kneeling by the tub, I picked up the knife and studied it, turning it over in my hands, letting the lights flash off of the silver metal.

_Do I really want to go through with this?_

Yes, I did. I had killed so many… made so many human beings suffer… every night, I had nightmares of their cries, plaintive screams that just made one want to scream along with them. And I'd made Japan and Italy kill too… Japan seemed to accept it, accept that it was his duty, but what was he really thinking? And Italy… of course Italy always prayed for the ones he had killed, for himself as well, asking for forgiveness.

I had to stop this all. But would I die? I know that I am a nation. Would I die?

It was time to find out.

Without further ado, I dragged the knife along the veins on my wrist. "_Scheiße_," I hissed. It hurt like hell. But compared to the pain of those I had killed, this was nothing. Nothing at all.

Besides, it would be over soon.

I continued cutting, continued slicing open my skin, first on one arm, then the other, and letting the blood pour out. When I was certain that I had cut enough, I let the knife drop to the tiled floor and plunged my arms into the cool water. The blood spread in the water, turning it pink.

Eventually my vision grew fuzzy. The room swayed before me; or was that me, swaying because I was so tired? I felt a little bit nauseous… I tried to reach up with one hand to cover my mouth, but I was too weak. It fell back down in the water and I was barely aware of my head dropping, my body slumping over the edge of the bathtub as I lost consciousness…

* * *

Japan frowned as he looked around the kitchen. "How odd…"

Italy looked up. "Eh? What is it, Japan? Are we out of something?"

"No… ah, I am sorry to bother you with this, Italy-_kun_, but do you happen to know where the small knife is…? It appears to be missing…"

"No, but I can help you look, Japan!"

"_Arigato_…"

The two searched the kitchen for approximately five minutes before concluding that it was, indeed, not there.

"Hm…" Italy brightened. "I bet Germany knows where it is! He knows where everything is! I'll go ask him!"

"Italy-_kun_, I believe that he is on the toilet at the moment."

"Maybe he's coming out right now!" Italy ran off before Japan could say anything more. He skidded to a stop in front of the bathroom door and frowned. "Oh, it's closed…" he knocked on the door loudly. "Germany! Germany, are you in there? We need your help finding something!"

No response.

"Germany…?" Trying the door, Italy found that it was locked. "Germany, if you're there, can you say something?"

Still no response. Italy began to grow scared. "Germany!"

He jogged back to the kitchen, where Japan was patiently waiting. "Did Germany-_san_ tell you where the knife is, Italy-_kun_?"

"Um… well, I went to the bathroom door, and I called him, but he didn't say anything, and the door was locked…"

"That is unusual… may I see it?"

Japan followed Italy to the bathroom door, where it was still locked. Japan tapped lightly on the door. "Germany-_san_… Germany-_san_, are you in there? Please say something…"

Silence. Italy looked worriedly at Japan. Japan looked thoughtful.

"Italy-_kun_… do you happen to know where the paperclips are?"

* * *

Japan worked carefully at the doorknob with the paperclip, sticking it inside the lock and fiddling around. There was a click and he withdrew the small twisted metal, looking rather satisfied.

"The door should be unlocked now, Italy-_kun_."

"Yay! Japan did it!" Italy opened the door. "Germany, why weren't you answer—"

He stopped and stared at the sight before him. "G-Germany…?"

Japan peeked around Italy and froze. They saw Germany kneeling at a bathtub; his body slumped over; and his arms stuck in the tub, which was full of water… reddish water.

Japan was the first to snap out of it. He walked to Germany and lifted one wrist out of the water, looking at the deep self-inflicted cuts. Struggling to support the blond nation's head, he looked at Italy. "Italy-_kun_, please help me! We must carry him to a bed and give first aid!"

Italy was crying very hard from seeing Germany. At Japan's request, he nodded. Getting up, he helped support and carry the unconscious nation to the bedroom, setting him down very gently.

"Italy-_kun_," said Japan gently, "please, this is very important: do you know where the first-aid kit is?"

Italy shook his head, still sobbing. "I… we… I don't think we have… we don't have a k-kit…"

Japan cursed under his breath. "What can we do?"

"Mr. Austria… Mr. Austria's really good with doctor things. I can call him…"

Japan studied Italy's tear-stained face. "I think I should do that, Italy-_kun_. You should try to compose yourself in the meantime."

Italy didn't protest, he just nodded and buried his face in the bed-sheets. Japan used the kitchen telephone to call Austria.

"Ah, _konnichiwa_… this is Japan. I'm very sorry to bother you, but could you come to Germany's house as quickly as possible with medical supplies? It's very important…" he paused. "Ah, is that Prussia-_san_ I hear? ... I see. Thank you and please hurry. Good-bye."

Austria reached the house very quickly. When Japan opened the door, he found him holding a small box – presumably with medical supplies inside – and Prussia behind him. Japan quickly invited them inside.

"Hello, Japan," said Austria, pushing up his glasses on his nose. "Would you mind telling me exactly what the problem is? You look fine."

"Oh, ah, it's not for me… it is for Germany-_san_. He's hurt."

"What?" Prussia yelled. "West's hurt?"

"Yes, if you would please follow me…" he led them into the bedroom, where Italy was still at Germany's bedside, crying. Both Prussia and Austria were brought up short.

"_Scheiße_," whispered Prussia. He slowly walked to Germany and examined his wrists, staring at the incisions. "What the fuck…?"

Austria approached him as well and looked at his wrists. "That _dummkopf_," he said quietly. He opened up the box he'd brought and started cleaning up Germany's forearms. Prussia started to cry like Italy had.

"Why?" he sobbed. "_Gott_ _verdammt_, West…"

* * *

I opened my eyes slowly, consciousness returning. Everything was very fuzzy at first. Blinking hard, the world slowly came into focus. I realized that I was lying on my bed. Looking over, I saw that Italy and Prussia were quietly crying at the side of the room, sitting against the wall, their heads down. I looked at my forearms. They were bandaged with blood-stained gauze.

"Auh!" I suddenly hissed. "My head…" A headache had suddenly come on, a very ferocious one. At the sound of my voice, the two crying nations looked up and gasped.

"G… Germany?" said Italy. He smiled. "Germany! You're okay!" More tears cascaded down his face as he got up and walked over to me. Prussia did the same.

"_Verdammt_, West, you really scared us! You _dummkopf_!" Prussia grinned, probably out of relief. "Oi, everyone! Get in here, he woke up!"

Japan entered the room soon after that, followed closely by Austria. They both smiled (I had never seen Japan smile before) and expressed their relief. The only thing running through my head at the moment, however, was pain and frustration. _Why_ couldn't they have just left me!? I could have left this world! I could have ended it all!

"…and Germany-_san_…" I became aware that Japan was speaking. "You'll need to stay in bed for another day or so—"

"_FICK_!" I shouted, bringing my fist down on the bed to little effect, due to the bed's softness. I winced slightly at the pain that coursed through my arm. "Why didn't you just _leave me_? I… I wanted it all to end! I just couldn't take it anymore! And you all had to go and keep me in this world! Why…" I whispered. "Why didn't you just let me die?"

A feeling of shock spread through the room. Italy's mouth was open. Prussia's eyes were wide. Even Japan seemed upset. "Germany-_san_—"

"Excuse me, Japan," said Austria. He approached me, raised his hand, and slapped my face with all of his strength. It was much unexpected and I didn't turn my head back for a bit. When I did, I saw that there were tears in his eyes.

"You _dummkopf_," he growled. "Did you _ever_ consider that there are people in this world who actually _want_ you to stay alive?"

"No, I did not. Austria, you don't understand, I've killed so many people, I've made so many suffer—"

"As we've all!" he yelled. "Every one of us has killed before, whether we like it or not! But do you know what? We all move on! We don't beat ourselves up over it! We keep looking towards tomorrow!" He looked around the room for support. "Isn't that right!?"

"West, the prick's right for once," said Prussia firmly. "Yeah, you've killed a lot of people, but so have we. You'll come to accept it in time. I know you're a pretty young nation, so this is kind of new to you… but don't worry. People will forgive you; you'll forgive yourself in time."

I looked down in shame. They were right. I'd been so selfish, trying to take my life…

"Not only that, Germany-_san_," added Japan, "but you have an entire nation to take care of."

"I just…" I whispered. "I want this damn war to end…" Tears started pouring from my eyes. "I… I'm sorry, everyone. I shouldn't have done this…"

Austria nodded. "But what's done is done. Your wrists will heal in time, but you'll most likely always have the scars."

* * *

I pushed myself up from my chair after straightening the papers, which, as usual, had not come in handy at all. America had gone off about giant robots, as usual, and everything had descended into chaos. Another unproductive meeting. Nothing ever changed, did it?

"Germany!" I turned at the familiar cheerful voice. Italy was bouncing on the balls of his feet at the doorway, standing next to Japan. "C'mon, we're all going out to eat, remember~?"

"Yes, Italy, just a second," I called. I pushed back my sleeve and checked my watch. As I did so, the scars on that wrist came into view.

They were beginning to fade.


End file.
